8 Things You’ll Need to Hibernate Your Way Through Winter
Bears do it, bees do it, squirrels and snakes do it, so why can’t we all just sleep, snuggle and hide out inside until April?
Well, we kind of can. I may not be able to stuff my cheeks with nuts, but I do have two-hour delivery from Amazon Prime Now. I’m not typically prone to digging holes or building nests, but I am very effective at burying my head in my pillow for two hours instead of getting up in the morning. It’s one degree in Chicago right now, so I’m just going to move things around on my calendar so that I don’t have to leave the house for the next four to five months. Okay bye!
If staying inside until spring sounds appealing to you, here’s everything you’ll need to prepare:
An Amazon Prime or Instacart account.
There’s something particularly horrifying about going to the grocery store in the winter. The parking lot is busier. The floors are slipperier. The bags feel heavier. Don’t go to the grocery store. Just stay inside. You can plan for recurring purchases using Amazon Prime subscribe and save, and order fresh items from Prime now or Instacart for delivery within a couple of hours. Prices are generally comparable to those in-store, but you will pay tip for Prime Now and delivery fees on Instacart. However, you’ll save yourself hours of time, potentially frostbitten fingers, and you won’t be tempted by the sweet smells wafting from the bakery section.
Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Video.
Or all three. Just so you can watch all of the things.
A Fireplace or a copy of the Little Inferno video game.
There’s nothing like watching the snow fall outside while feeling the warm glow of crackling flames on your face. Check out our fireplace deals, or take the free route and find a fireplace video on YouTube or a channel on your Smart TV. I also highly recommend the winter-themed video game Little Inferno. The game provides you with a digital fireplace in which to burn any number of random items, and encourages you to “stay inside, burn all your toys, and stay warm.” Once you get enough money, fill the screen with marshmallows and start a fire in the corner.
A stash of Stash Tea.
What fun would hibernation be without hot drinks? Add this to your Amazon Prime list: These 100-count boxes of Stash Tea go for as low as $12 and are eligible for free Prime shipping. It’s not the cheapest tea out there, but in my opinion, it’s the best quality you can get for that price. Choose from a variety of flavors, like lemon ginger, peppermint, and maple apple cider. (Whiskey is optional but encouraged.)
A yoga mat and some hand weights.
Exercise and cold weather just don’t mix well, which makes the gym is one of the worst places to go in the winter. If you tell everyone you’re going into hibernation and then show up at the gym, no one is going to take you seriously! So cancel that gym membership you only use once a month, and get a few basics to help you work out at home. A yoga mat (like these ones for around $20 a pop at Amazon), some hand weights (we like these for $24.99 at Amazon), and a workout video on YouTube is all you need to stay healthy.
A robe and slippers.
If you don’t have a good robe, you’re really missing out on one of the essential joys of human existence. If you do have a robe but it isn’t lined in sherpa or fleece, or if putting it on doesn’t make you feel like you’re getting a kiss from a baby, then maybe you should get a new one. Terrycloth robes are for drying off after a shower and are not sufficient for hibernation. It’s also a good idea to keep your feet covered in the coziest slippers you can find.
If you don’t stock up on wine now, you could end up leaving your apartment to go get some, which would be a total drag. Stock up now and forget your worries.
Friends who aren’t also hibernating
Nobody likes going out in the cold, so maintaining a social life during the winter can be problematic. You’ll need to have at least a few friends who aren’t hibernating, and you’ll need to convince everyone that your house is the best place to be in the current weather. This means that you should have several heated throw blankets on hand (like this one for $39.99 at Kohl’s) some adult coloring books, plenty of pillows, ambient lighting, enough cheese to whip up a charcuterie board in a moment’s notice, and a relatively friendly demeanor. The wine will also help.
If you follow these instructions, you’ll be able to keep your outdoor exposure to a bare minimum. If you work from home, you can literally live like a rodent. Have no shame!